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Saturday, September 9, 2023

Undoing the undo

After I moved back into the old rooms at the old house two years ago, I was dealt an ultimatum. All my old posts had to go and any new posts had to be totally neutral. That became a nonnegotiable item for living there. It was delivered in January, when I returned from convalescing from the broken femur. It was pack up the loom and the broken leg and leave, or spend a month deleting the life I'd recorded.

I deleted the first post, about finding a kitten in Pittsburgh. Like slitting my wrist. Not just cutting, actual slitting. Muscle, bone, sinew. It was gone! I sat and stared at the screen for a long time. I could not do that again. Mary Moon made me brave enough to blog, told me just to start typing and the rest would take care of itself. And so it has.

All the rest of the posts were suspended. One at a time, day after day, week after week. It takes time to suspend eighteen hundred odd posts. My life from 2011 to present. But finally I was left with nothing but the present. January 2021 and on. Some very canny old timers caught on. River, for one, and Ellen. I just went on from there, for a year, a new beginning. 

But I never really recovered from that broken femur. I could have, but my heart wasn't in it. I started looking at ways to rehab without working at it. And here I am. I love the irony of the Independent Living retirement home. All the rest is pretty plain. Then Assisted Living. Then Memory Care. And so on. Down the last long (?) path to dead.

I decided on the Atrium. Although it is counter to my old tree hugging, liberal and loud days, I was not scared. Nothing would change me, and perhaps it was time for a change here. Jan and I toured the facility and I had decided before I saw the room. That was a year ago. From time to time over that year, I reposted some blogs. 

Now that I am at one year here, it's time to roll up my sleeves and get going. I've reposted about a thousand entries and have about seven hundred to go. Of course, I can't just pull it up and hit "Post". Often I have to stop and read. It's fun.

But what about the actual rehabbing business? Back on my feet! Well, here it is. I'm still on the walker I adopted after living here a short time. Every fall here has taken more starch out of me. I got so sick in March. That took another cup or two of starch. But, I have stayed with the exercise, three times a week. It has saved me.

The exercise classes have made me able to save myself from some of the consequences of the several falls I've taken. When I've determined help was not coming to get me off the floor, I got myself up. Think about that. Not my long term goal, but good enough at the time to be able to get up and get on with it.

Every fall has involved my head, though, and I am fully aware of how much more mental ability a fall has cost me. I'm OK all morning and afternoon, but by supper time I am through. I cannot remember, think, reason. But, I can still get back to my room and pass the evening to bed time.

At supper last night, RoseMarie and I and Betty were the last at the table, as always. It used to be just Rose and myself, but now Betty stays to help Rose up from her chair and over to her walker. I used to do that, but am so grateful Betty has taken over. I'm much more sure on my feet than Rose, thanks to exercise classes, but I know I could easily misstep and fall again.

As we were pushing off, Rose said she always intended to get this old, just not this decrepit. I agreed, saying I had no idea I'd be using a walker to get around. I guess that's the hint I've waited for. I need to start in the gym, on the recumbent bike, next week. Won't be Monday, though. I have an 11:30 doctor appointment in Cleveland. By Uber. Report to follow.



30 comments:

  1. It is good to read how you have adjusted to the many "events" you have had to go through. I find that inspiring to read and it encourages me on how to react to whatever events are in my future. Wishing you good health and a good life, Joanne.

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  2. To delete the life you had led...how cruel.
    Looking forward to gym reports...attagirl!!❤️

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  3. I have heard that the secret to longevity is not diet or genes or exercise or habits but in adaptability. I do not know if this is true or not but if it is, you will live forever.
    As to anyone making you delete blog posts- well, that seems like a huge infringement of your freedom.

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  4. I find it hard to believe the demand to delete. It does seem unreasonable. The challenges that you have met and continue to meet are many. That said, your intelligence, strong will and tenacity are impressive. In addition to weaving, you could write a book!

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  5. Good for you, exercise is good. You not only get stronger, you also feel more capable. It helps with your mental agility, too. I think. Something to do with circulation.

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  6. I admire your grit and determination, Joanne. You're doing something few of us our age do, that is persevere, and keep on carrying on. Well done.
    Wish I could say the same...I can do maybe 2 blocks walking now, and the usual activities leave me breathless at the end. Such is life, eh.
    Cheers.
    Mile

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    Replies
    1. I can do two blocks, too, with two canes or the walker. Then PAD makes me stop to recover to walk the two blocks back.

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  7. Joanne, I never could understand why you needed to delete past blogs. Did I miss something? And as for your new living arrangements, you seem to have adapted very well.

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  8. You stand up for yourself...quietly, but you do it.

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  9. That is so very sad, making you delete your written record of your life. It's the same as burning someone's journals. There is a name for that kind of controlling behavior. I am glad you only suspended them (except for the very first one) and can recover them. As for going to the gym, way to go, my friend! You are an inspiration!

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  10. I am so very glad that you suspended rather than deleted almost all of your old posts - and super impressed (as I always am) at your determination.

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  11. Glad you can get your blog posts back. It must have been heartbreaking to get the ultimatum. Exercise really helps keep us going in so many ways!

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  12. It is hard enough getting older without the added problem of getting around on your own. Believe me I know. I keep working toward walking without the walker too. Best wishes to you.

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  13. The decree to erase your blog posts is unbelievable; I can't believe that was a serious request! However, it has given you the chance to go back and re-read them when you re-post them. Exercise is very important to our physical and mental well-being.

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  14. I am sorry that you were told to dismantle your life. It has happened to me as well. I've been blogging for 12 years, but you'd never know it.

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  15. Quite apart from deleting your life, your record, your processes, your philosophy, deleting blog posts deletes a record of social history. I'm glad you started with a generous supply of starch.

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  16. Hari Om
    I knew some posts had gone AWOL, but did not realise the extent... or that it was coerced. Am greatly saddened by that. And deeply glad you held on! Keep doing so, with blogging and weaving and Kitty as your buoys. YAM xx

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  17. Like Yam I had an inkling things had been deleted but obviously not why. Didn’t mention it though.
    The gym is calling my name as well….being away from home my routine has taken a hammering, this will be rectified in a week or two. I’ll be back at the warm water pool as well. We ‘old gals’ need all the support we can get.

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  18. In my hazy world, I didn't know about deleting old posts, but it is good that they are coming back. You have great spirit and keep pushing forward as best you are able.

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  19. Dear Joanne, I do not understand: why did you have to delete your posts? Who ordered that? Family? And why - when you had deleted them - couldn't you stay? Or: first print a post, then delete.
    Well - at the end, I think, it was a good decision - where you are now you have help.
    And exercise: yes, yes, yes. You have the stamina.

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  20. I'm glad you are putting your life back up on the blog. that woman had no right to make you take it all down, very little of it involved her anyway. she stole Laura and your life. quite the power trip. I think she did not want you there from the beginning. is Laura still living there, when she not off galavanting around the world that is.

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  21. As others have asked, why did somebody demand you delete your blog posts?
    And thank you for leaving a comment on my blog. It was appreciated.

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  22. Well dang it all! I'm in spam jail again.

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    1. I didn't find you in spam. My spam, that is. I wonder what grave sin you did?

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    2. Perhaps I forgot to click on publish (*~*)

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  23. I admire your grit.

    Someone asked me to remove any mention of them from my blog—after several years of saying they enjoyed my blog. There weren’t many, but I sliced them out. A brutal process. The person is still in my life (a relative), but I have never trusted them again.
    Good on ya for saving your posts.

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  24. You are one smart, resilient woman. I've heard it said that growing old is not for sissies and you ma'am are definitely not a sissy.

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  25. thanks for these updates and hurray on the blog rescue. What an odd demand to make of you though, I can't get my head around it. You inspire me in so many ways Joanne.
    XO
    WWW

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  26. How cruel to demand that you delete your words. I'm not sure what that was about, but I'm glad you are not living under that sort of rule anymore. Thinking of a world without you, though, is one I don't want to imagine.

    Love,
    Janie

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