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Monday, February 27, 2023

It's all a crap shoot

I am the youngest resident, at 79, due to be 80 in a month. There are close to 100 residents in independent living, many in their 90's and the balance in their 80's. A whole lot of respect is owing to these men and women, in my opinion, except when it isn't. I would recommend to anyone who is considering the move to an independent facility, devise some method of judging the ideas of the residents. I based my decision on the overall cheerfulness I found here. It never occurred to me to make any judgement call on "political" issues.

Sports are a hot topic here, and Cleveland has plenty of sports teams. One tiny old woman, Mary, is past 95, is spry as they come. Walks quickly, with no walker or cane. She feels totally entitled to cut into a line and no one challenges her. Another resident came into one of the common rooms wearing an old Cleveland Indians tee shirt. Mary immediately began (or in her case resumed) her favorite topic, "They should still be the Cleveland Indians! What are these "Guarders" anyway?"

I listened a while, then asked if she was familiar with the Guardians, what they represented, where they were. "No, but I suppose you know and are going to tell me!" I said, to the audience, they were a series of award winning art deco figures on the Hope Memorial bridge crossing the Cuyahoga River from Loraine to Carnegie Avenue. The several figures represented traffic that built the valley. There is a farmer, pioneers, construction and more I would need to look up on Wikipedia. Or they could. Mary said I was a Ladeda educated person and turned her back. So much for letting a group know that prejudice is not acceptable.

So that's a little background of listening to rude remarks about people of another culture. One example is the tip of the iceberg here in this very red county I have moved into, but less than ten miles.

I eat dinner with three other women, whose company I enjoy when certain topics don't come up. All three are Catholic, as are most residents here. My table mates are sincere Catholics, and one is past sincere to the extent of forming a Bible study group. When I was asked to join I inquired into the topics she might cover. From a short list, I latched onto the Song of Ruth, and even re-read it to be prepared. But the topic of the first class is the 23rd psalm, and I said I could not do it justice and did not join.

Sadly, I have a bigger problem I have not found a way to address. All three are deeply against LGBTQ+, and have exchanged some bitter remarks. I have looked all three in the eye and said nothing. I have no broad platform to address them, no Hope Memorial Bridge to walk across. 

Though I have four qualifying grandchildren, I think I'll start with all my friends from my art days. All three of these dinner companions wear art show clothing and jewelry, and probably would be stunned to know I recognize some artists and their gender might surprise them. It goes from there to a discussion of what makes people feel comfortable in their skin. I could even used my acquired grandson as an example; without identifying his relationship to me, I am more than happy to explain this is a person I get along with as a man far better than the old days, as a woman. This identity is comfortable for him.

I'm pleased I made my views known on the Cleveland Guardians, and I have nothing to lose putting out my opinion on bashing people for their gender identities.

I need to add, I looked into several independent facilities and chose this based on the genuine sense of pleasure among the residents. My three table mates have a far wider circle of acquaintances than I, and at the table they often discuss recent residents and what facility they came from. Facilities chosen for lower cost are being left, in favor of the Atrium in Aurora. Lower cost in other facilities is reflected in the quality of food, the amount of housekeeping, programs offered, and the attitude of staff.

Finally, kitty extends her nose from under the shoe shelf for the rattle of the treat can. I must keep my feet out of sight; she disappears at the sight of my toe. If we wind up in the same room by mistake, she continues whatever she's out for, never takes here eye off me and gives me a wide berth in passing me.

Here is another profile of Kitty: but I cannot find it. I've screwed up my photos. Here's an old picture of a pretty cat:



29 comments:

  1. I've lost contact with my relatives from Eastern Oregon, all probably due to politics. Mine are no secret, and it causes friction and animosity, to say the least.
    It's part and parcel of being what we are, I think. I hope blending in the place does not cause you much grief or introspection, Joanne.
    Stay well,
    Mike

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  2. People can be very set in their ways and their thinking. The group you describe seems pretty staunch. There has to be at least a few cosmopolitan people living here. It appears kitty is still testing the waters. She is a very pretty girl.

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  3. Yes, you've put your finger on a real hotspot. I've noticed in various retirement communities around here where friends have moved in, a range of attitudes I'd find hard to live with close up.

    Largely white supremacy, residents all white, workers all minorities. I don't know about orientation, but I'd be happy and very surprised if they were open to different people. I find they all seem friendly as long as they assume I agree with them, but if not, it's a different story.

    Well, you'll figure it out, and carve out your own place.

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  4. You know, I think I would simply say something to the effect of "Conversations like this bother me a great deal because I have a grandchild I love a great deal."

    People sometimes assume that everyone agrees. Knowing that it hurts your heart to hear bullshit like this, maybe the bullshit will stop.

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  5. People are all too ready and bold to express rather nasty and negative opinions. I applaud you for skillfully expressing your opinion.

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  6. Well, if anyone can bring some illumination to those folks' hearts, it will be you, Joanne. This is my idea of hell, to be honest -- people who are shiny on the outside and tarnished on the inside. I realize much of it comes down to what they learned growing up, but once people reach adulthood, it's on them to do better, even at 80 years old and beyond.

    Kitty is taking longer to warm up to you than I expected, but who knows what her life was like before. Patience, Grasshopper :)

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  7. Hari OM
    As said above, you have handled it well so far - but Debby is correct - letting folk become a little aware of how hurtful they are being will often temper things softly... it is doubtful that any of these ladies (Mary the exception perhaps!) have genuine hate in their hearts, just old attitudes seeking ratification. Softly, softly catchy monkey. Or Kitty as the case may be! YAM xx

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  8. Hold fast and Illegitimi non carborundum. We live in a red county, in what I presume is a largely red neighborhood. I know one household is liberal, and I know that several are not. It's difficult to go along to get along, without crossing over to feeling complicit. I've done that and regretted it. However, people generally don't change their attitudes. Hope the cat makes more progress, and is the happier for it.

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  9. You are one in a million!!
    I doesn't sound easy, but you are giving them a good example.
    Kat is taking her time...but you will both get there soon enough x

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  10. Politics is a minefield for sure, racism and stereotyping too, just tread carefully and hope that any newer residents might be more open minded and compatible.

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  11. Well, Ladeda Educated Person, I am confident you will find other residents who are ladeda educated, too, and perhaps those new friends can provide you with a social life where you do not have to deal with the prejudice and bigotry. Best of luck to you.

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  12. It must be very awkward that some of the residents have views quite different from your own. Would you get anywhere explaining your own attitudes and asking the anti-LGBTQ ones to explain their own? Might there be some common ground or does that seem impossible?
    Hopefully kitty will get used to the sight of your toes.

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  13. Opinions typical of many groups of older people I've encountered. They won't change.

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  14. Whew! This is when you talk to kitty. When the humans are crazy, the kitty will understand. Sounds like kitty has been kicked by a foot in the past. Maybe providing a treat at or above knee level will help. You win the queen of patience.
    Don't think you'll get the oldsters (people whose brains are stuck in old age, not like you,) to change their sports affiliation. My Mom attended OU football games until 82! The granny in my patient's family never watches the news, and relies on info only from her bigoted brother in-law. She handles that 2 granddaughters have begat out-of-wedlock children with black men, but doesn't approve of gays "cuz it's in the Bible." She's described a non-gender nurse to me with some body jewelry, didn't understand what to call them, but liked that they showed up. She may or may not change her opinion when one of the offspring turns out LGBTQ. I've even explained some of the nicest folks, nurses, and patients I've known have been LGBTQ, and that old Hawaiian culture revered their elders who were both, considered valuable for their insights. Sounds like your best chance is to stick with the art group. I know from nursing, that elderly LGBTQ people have a horrid time being respected in hospitals, facilities and doc offices. Prayers for your patience with people too! Linda in Kansas

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  15. I suppose that is the difficulty with living in a community. I wan to stay on my own as long as possible so that I don;t have to lunch with folk who have a different view of life. My grand daughter is now my grandson and muchhappier

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  16. Having to deal with right-wing or religious fanatics would just about drive me crazy. It would be easier to prove the existence of the tooth fairy than to have them see reason. Bigotry and hatred seem to be in their DNA.

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  17. Oh dear god. I don't know what I would do if I were surrounded by people who thought that anyone with a real thought in her head was ladeda educated. A thought that has come to me is that without a doubt, almost every one of those people has a family member who is in the LGBTQIA community who is probably out- just NOT to Granny. Which is sad, really.

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  18. People don't have to be old to be bigoted......I lost so many pleasant acquaintances over Brexit.

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  19. I have confidence in your handling it in just the best way, Joanne. You have common sense and a good way of expressing yourself. I hope you find more like-minded people there to spend time with...

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  20. You should have told Ladeda Mary that you'd much rather be educated than ignorant. Several years ago I got added to a FB page for my high school graduating year. It was right around the time many schools were changing their mascots to be more 'woke' and mine was one. the old team names were 'Redskins', the Lamar Redskins. This group of people was incensed, how dare they? Me being the only voice of reason I tried to explain to them the redskins was considered a slur on par with the N word. they didn't care, their white privilege gave them the right. Wasn't surprised, they are all raving republicans and probably became MAGAts as well, the same people who wouldn't give me the time of day back in high school.

    Katherine must have been very mistreated in her past for her to be taking so long to warm up.

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  21. I live in a senior residence in So. Colorado and I totally agree with what you have stated here. I choose to limit my time with the worst of them on my floor or in the building! This is a very red town, too, and a lot of "those" folks live here, as well! We try, for the most part, to avoid politics and religion is rarely mentioned!
    Sometimes it is better to just sit and listen ... that goes for both old folks and skittish cats! Just continue your usual routine around the cat and, hopefully, she will come around eventually! Torties are different!

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  22. I no longer can abide the red state woes, the right wing nuts, I would become a recluse and have my meals sent to my room. You are a champion, Joanne! At least you do not have to shovel snow. There is that.

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  23. I don’t know how I would cope. I feel a little stressed just thinking about it,

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  24. I'm glad you have the kitty and are finding your way through these conversations. I doubt that any will change their minds but you will feel better if you don't let them get away with their BS. (in a nice way of course)

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  25. LGBTQ+ and racism can cause too many divisions. I think the problem is having an open mind. Education does help to open your mind. It helps but it's not required. The awful promotion of anger towards these issue but the last president and his supporting conservative network has made the situation worse.
    Just today I read a NPR story about fish on Fridays for Catholics that was very interesting. What does that have to do with your post? Well the story points out the eating fish became political centuries ago in England. You could present that idea to your Catholic group for their opinion. Here's a link to the story https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2012/04/05/150061991/lust-lies-and-empire-the-fishy-tale-behind-eating-fish-on-friday

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  26. Joanne, I guess 'respecting another's opinion' is difficult for some people. In those cases, it may be more important for them to be right, then kind... not sure there's a cure for that.
    And it may be that Kitty was treated badly and has trust issues. Time and kindness is probably the answer. I hope so.

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  27. I'm optimistic that you will find like-minded, open-minded people eventually. I'm pretty open about my two transgender grandsons, and so far no one has criticized me for that openness. We're in Day 3 with our new cat, Dutchy. She has found a lot of hiding places, but did come out yesterday for a few minutes with a catnip toy.

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  28. We have yet to make any friends that we would enjoy spending time with here. Prejudice is just the tip of the iceberg in these parts. One must edit their words before they slip off the tongue becasue these folks are easily offended if you don't agree with their politics. My sister was a big fan of Trump and because of the influence of his stupidity, she did not get vaccinated and she is dead. I hold him respnsible for most of the deaths caused by Covid. She was, like all the Trumpsters, rabid in her support of this vile creature. All of our family in Georgia are Republicans and will support the candidate with blind faith (Hershell Walker). Funny thing about that last candidate is that our family is quite prejudiced against his race, but would support him as a candidate. I opened my mouth and told them all that I wished I could vote in Georgia for the Democrat (also a black man). They all gasped as I went o to tell them that the color of his skin mattered very little to me, or even the fact that he was a Republican. It was his blatant stupidity and the fact that none of them could tell me one single thing that the man stood for, other than his belief that abortion for any reason was wrong. I told them that he simply a parrot and I dounbted if he even knew what abortion was, other than something someone told him he was opposed to. I am not the most popular in-law. Is it sad that I don't really care?

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    Replies
    1. 👏 Hooray for you for standing on your principles! More folks need to do that!

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