There is no joy in Mudville, but the sun may shine tomorrow

My Rolodex at work.

Yes, I still use a Rolodex. Yes, I have two separate township email programs with a contact list and, wait for it, a calendar! I use a Rolodex. I bought this Rolodex twelve years ago, when I became township clerk. I covet the road super's Rolodex--it's round with a big knob. He's retiring December 31st, and I may get even with him by swapping Rolodexes.

There are twenty one cards before ABC. The first card is twelve years old. It has the township federal ID, its Duns number, the fax number I still have not memorized, the phone numbers to the Road Department and the Zoning Department because we do not have a central phone system. I checked that up once on the theory it would be more professional. But, we are grandfathered into some ancient contract at a third the price of a change, and that trumps "professional".

The first card was the only card preceding ABC for many years. Then, agency after agency began outsourcing its job--to me.

The twenty cards now between my "cheat sheet" first card and ABC contain the names of government entities I access online, weekly, monthly, quarterly, one annually. Some daily. All their web addresses are stored on the computer, and all the passwords, pins, and any other information I need to access the account are on the Rolodex cards.

So, twenty clerical jobs have been outsourced to me.

Some are easy peasy. Paying the federal withholdings takes me possibly five minutes, once a month, including confirming I actually intended to log out. Paying the state withholdings takes about ten minutes once a month. They cleverly hid a dozen or so minute "I confirm this is the action I want to take" boxes that must be found and checked in order to advance. Unlike the feds, they refuse to store the banking information, and it must be reentered each month. I don't understand their refusal. The feds blow off having gobs of data hacked; what's the state's problem.

Paying the local withholdings still has me asking What the Hell on every screen. I must prove I'm not a robot, just for openers. I can't get under fifteen minutes on filing this return. I won't walk you through the rest, the feds and their SAM and IPP and CCR (and I don't mean Credence Clearwater Revival), the Bureau of Workers' Comp and other twenty cards.

Back to the place I left yesterday, the young man who wants me filing and remitting OPERS electronically. I said to him "I will call tomorrow and we can set up the account and PAY the OPERS liability for August."

I called today, asked for the supervisor, told her about Eric's mush mouth and told her she could  walk me through setting up the account and making the payment. We set up the account. The instructions said an email was sent to the email address supplied; check it in order to proceed. The email said "In two or three days you will receive a temporary password in the US mail."

I did not drop an F bomb together with my true opinion of incompetence, and I cannot take it out on the grandkids, or go home and kick the dog or the cat, so the supervisor got cold, steel anger. "Eric said I could do this today and make the payment today." He didn't exactly say that, but he didn't disabuse me, either, and I was already loaded for bear. I repeated the sentence several times. She excused herself, and asked her supervisor, who said they could have a temporary password for me tomorrow.

Her sweet, well enunciated voice went on "But we can go ahead and set up your banking information today." I told her I was too angry to go on. "But we can still go ahead and set up...."

"Are you listening to me? I said I will call you tomorrow. Or not."

I'm thinking I'll just cut a paper check tomorrow.